Blood on the Patio

Originally posted on The Peace Sisters website in 2008. Holy Cow! I am dealing with the same sh*t…..

My favorite of our three cats, Kiwi, has become a killing machine. Anton, the older son, gets annoyed when I say I like Kiwi the most (even though Kiwi is ‘his’ cat), “It’s not fair to the other kitties.”

Anyone who has met our cats would tell you that they are several times removed from “kitties”. Kiwi, Adoree and Spike are very big cats. Spike was the runt of the litter (the three are littermates). He quickly became the largest in size but has retained his rank in the pecking order- poor Spike is everybody’s b*tch. Kiwi and Adoree have gone back and forth with the Alpha Cat role.

A couple years after we moved to our house, we had a patio built so we could use our sloping side yard. The cats came outside with us and started their individual explorations of the great outdoors.

I find it interesting that Kiwi, the friendliest of the three cats, has become the hunter. Several times a week, he presents his kill, which is probably proof of his affection for us. I have not kept a specific tally but he has mostly killed moles, then birds and alas, one poor cute little chipmunk.

Kiwi’s ‘presents’ go into the trash without hesitation. I can clearly label them as unwanted gifts, useless to me, thanks but no thanks. It is not always clear to me what to do with less bloody but still unwanted gifts. A look around my house will prove that. There are of course, lots of things I really love. Then there are the things I like and on some level feel I should love. Then there are the things I don’t even like and feel guilty for not liking because:

1. They were given to me.

2. They represent the money they cost and have value.

3. They represent who I should be or what I should be doing.

What I realized today was that Kiwi only presents his kill to us after it is useless to him. They may be a token for us or a presentation of proof of what a great cat Kiwi thinks himself to be but he gives them after he is finished with them. Without animation, the critters cannot be a plaything and are without value. He passes them along.

I am done with this, here you can have it. Could you use this? Do you like this?

For all the years we have been married, David has urged me to clear out, simplify, and I have either ignored him or capitulated with half-hearted attempts of getting rid of stuff. After years of appeasing David, I am ready to clear out what I do not need. I am in process. Throughout this summer, bags and boxes of stuff have left the house to sell, give and donate. There is still a ton (probably literally) to clear. I have not figured out the separation of “Love me, love my stuff”. I know I am not my stuff. I also see that my stuff is a reflection of who I am right now. Here and now, I am less about some stuff and still figuring out other stuff.

I am more comfortable with ‘being’ and not doing and stuff is all about the doing- I get that. I can have an idea and not have to do it, follow it through, not only to completion but mass production. I am getting that. What I loved doing twenty years ago is not what I want to do now. I can release those things. It’s what things mean, my beliefs around them, myself and my life that I am looking at and dealing with now. It is clear to me that the “stuff” is about my issues- self worth, confidence, security.

Kiwi’s gifts are about his confidence and his place in the world, too. Anton reframed my view of Kiwi’s giving us his playthings after they are dead and no longer fun. “He waits until they are dead because he knows you would be upset if they were still alive.” Kiwi saves us from having to euthanize the little ones. A gift on so many levels….

This one is definitely not figured out yet. I am in process.

And so it is. Karen


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